What's Wrong Is Brownies Ground Beef

I often utilize the Internet to do inquiry on any kind of culinary disaster I can find.Most of the time, I discover that my ideas are unique; nobody'southward made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every at present and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Water ice Foam (which I thought I'd made up on my ain). So, actually, I'm about as unique as a hipster who is trying to exist cooler than all the other hipsters just ends up but being a regular hipster.

During my Internet gilt mining, notwithstanding, I've constitute a lot of culinary gems, like this stock photo of duck with the all-time caption I've ever seen:

In instance you can't read that, I'll repeat the explanation in assuming capital messages: CHEF PREPARE TO Brand HONEY ROAST DUCK. HIS HAND PICK IN DUCK'S ASSHOLE FOR PUSH IN SPICES.

Meet? The Cyberspace has more than just astonishing ass porn. I mean, come on, "Chef prepare to brand Honey Roast Duck. His hand pick in duck's asshole for push in spices" is actually the greatest sequence of words that I accept ever seen.

This week, I realized I was a little light in blistering posts, since I don't do much baking in full general. Don't get me wrong, I love blistering, but the problem is, my life is such a dismal pit of loneliness that most of the time, I don't have anyone to share cookies with other than my true cat. Plus, now that people know how I cook based off my website, nobody ever wants to come over for dinner. The but existent blistering I've done for this site was the Dump Cake Dump Block, which is hands the worst cake I've ever made — even though its ingredients came from pre-fabricated mixes and cans.

But, exist prepared for the greatest credibility recipe I've ever seen: Beefiness Brownies.

Aye, this recipe from Food.com is real. Julie Leo, the culinary mastermind backside this recipe says, "Brownies are groovy for people who love nuts, but tin non eat them. The beef takes the consistency and sense of taste of nuts. I brought them to a block party and everyone raved nearly them. Now I have to make them for all of the get togathers. Sometimes I add chocolate chips for a double chocolate brownies. I hope y'all all savour my recipe." I peculiarly like the style she spells "togethers" as "togathers."

Since you're not technically supposed to republish a recipe on your ain site without permission, here'due south a screenshot of the recipe. I'll probably have to take it downwardly if someone yells at me, just it's not likely anyone is reading my website correct now other than you.

"Dannis Ree," I said to myself, "Y'all must brand these and share your feel with the globe. Hopefully you practice not die."

Turns out the ingredients are simple enough. There's a metric shitload of sugar, some flour, cocoa pulverisation, salt, a buttload of butter, eggs, vanilla, and uh, the…cooked basis beef.

I just followed the recipe as written. I began by combining the sugar, butter, cocoa, and vanilla.Since I am physically and mentally challenged, I barely managed to complete this task. Baking is hard.

I'll have you note that there's 2 entire cups of saccharide in this credibility recipe. This is probably to comprehend up the flavor of ground beef, which is a common ingredient in about brownie recipes.

Now that the diarrhea mixture was fabricated, I needed to whisk in each egg ane by 1. This looks kind of like the mess your female parent made on my bed last nighttime. What did she eat? The earth will never know.

I gauge I'll be writing each stride of my experience out in a very methodical and irksome manner with vulgar interjections and sexual innuendo.

Next, I added the flour and the salt and arduously whisked that in besides.The pile of flour looks similar what'south currently in Charlie Sheen'south torso right now. I call back he probably shared a little with Lindsay Lohan, because drugs are and so much better when you're rolling on the footing next to someone else. Too, wildly outdated glory jokes are a big hitting on my website.

Next, my favorite function: It was time to stir the fucking ground beef into the brownies.Ground. Beefiness. Ground beef. Basis beef, in brownies, that is evidently there to simulate (stimulate) nuts. Was she making Hamburger Helper and did information technology all accidentally fall into her brownie mix? Was she tripping on a high dose of inhalants? How was this even a consideration?

I applaud Julie for her culinary foray into the great abyss. There is a Culinary Illuminati in the neat completeness, and she stands there proudly next to me.

So I broiled the brownies for for 25 minutes at 375 °F. The recipe states to bake them for 25 minutes, but they were practically raw, so I permit them bake until they were more of a cake-like consistency.

Learning how to navigate new recipes can be hard, which is why you generally want to follow each stride exactly every bit stated until y'all become the desired result.A lot of inexperienced home chefs skip parts by accident or omit ingredients because they forgot them, but since I am a self-proclaimed good in destroying food, I practise what I want. In fact, nearly of the time, I replace all ingredients in recipes with whiskey so complain about it on the Internet after I'm done throwing up.

However, I did deviate a little. I made gravy whipped cream to compliment the beef. All I did was whip some dry gravy mix into fancy organic heavy foam until information technology was a nice fluffy texture. Really, I lied. I had your mother do that. She is expert at a vigorous manual jerking motion.Remember, anybody, it's all in the wrist, and her forearms are both the size of Popeye's.

Why both, you ask? It is because she is ambisextrous.Your mother uses both wrists during sex. And fists.

The result looks similar a brownie.

I did a fantastic task. Information technology'due south just a tall, cake-like brownie that's soft, springy, with a frail crust on elevation. Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the fudgy-style credibility, but that'due south because I like all of my food to look similar the seat of my underwear.

Of course, I had to put the gravy whipped foam on meridian, because I'yard a trooper. It's hard to tell by their faces, but Harvey and Mr. Bee were fairly upset that I went that far, but by now they're pretty used to my shenanigans. I tried to form my whipped cream into a quenelle, but it was a piddling curdled and I'm likewise non a French chef. Also, I retrieve quenelles are stupid. I don't need my food shaped into footballs.

The credibility itself is absurdly sugariness, only information technology is delicious. I expected that from the two whole cups of carbohydrate I tossed into it, but damn, guys, it's too much. However, its overall flavor is solid, MINUS THE FACT THAT At that place ARE CHEWY BITS OF GROUND Beef EVENLY DISTRIBUTED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. The recipe states that the beef is a skilful replacement for nuts, but, no. It's still beefiness. The main outcome is that the beef is still as chewy as you'd expect, and I can't recollect of any basics that would be that chewy aside from my bodily testicles (please don't eat them). And gravy whipped cream is every bit gross every bit you lot would expect. Actually, it's worse. Don't brand gravy whipped cream.

I thought I was alone in the world, making suicidally inedible culinary creations, but the truth is, there's more people similar me out in that location. Permit'due south all join hands and bear on each other's food-draped genitals, stroking softly, and lovingly, until we all climax into the sweet grace of oblivion.

[One last thing: My sugariness and lovely Internet friend Jen sent me an Amazon souvenir card totally out of the blue considering she knows I haven't take a chore since the start of June, and it was such a wonderful gesture that I almost died.

Jen, consider this niggling note as evidence of my eternal gratitude. You're wonderful.

But don't retrieve I don't dear the rest of you clowns either. Because I do.]

martinezquireft.blogspot.com

Source: http://www.thepizzle.net/i-found-a-recipe-for-ground-beef-brownies-and-then-i-made-them/

Share this post